all things are possible to him who believes

I am amazed by my God right now... in awe of His goodness and faithfulness.

The past month or so has been quite difficult for me in certain areas of my life.  My faith has been tried.. and to be honest, I haven't coped very well.  I felt defeated spiritually, physically, emotionally, etc etc etc.  In my head I knew that I was being stretched and challenged for a purpose, for His purpose.  I recognized that I was experiencing trials that were designed to strengthen me.. to strengthen my faith... but it's really hard to remain positive, faithful, hopeful, and joyful during these times (well it is for me anyways..).  It's like I know in my head that it's for the best that certain things were happening in my life, but my heart just had not caught up with my mind... yet.

Last Thursday was an amazing day.  I woke up feeling the same... defeated and of little faith.  The night before I had gone to church and one of my pastors taught on a message that really resonated with me.  She was talking about love, faith, hope, and joy.  She mentioned that if you have a faith failure it's really a love issue.

That was my issue.  I had a love issue.  Yes, I love Jesus more than anything and I surrender everything to Him.  I live my life to glorify Him.  But just like in many love relationships, I had lost the "awe," the majesty.  Intimacy without majesty is familiarity.  God had become familiar to me.  I know God intimately, but I had lost sight of His awesomeness.

Then something amazing happened.  Before my work day starts, staff, volunteers, and guests all gather at the Kalamazoo Deacons Conference for devotions.  Thursday we were studying Mark 9 and verse 24 really jumped out at me.  In this story, a man took his son to Jesus to have him healed, to drive out a demonic spirit.  The man said to Jesus, "Lord, I believe, help my unbelief."  This is exactly how I was feeling.  I believe in Jesus and His ability to do the "impossible," but sometimes there is that nagging doubt whether or not God will really hears me.. whether he is willing to answer my specific prayer.  That verse became my prayer for the day: God I believe in you, but increase my faith!  I want to fall more deeply in love with you.

My day progressed normally, until that afternoon when someone walked into KDC to visit.  This wasn't just any person.  This was someone who had been in a terrible car accident this past winter and wasn't supposed to survive, let alone walk again.  I had gone to the hospital many months ago to pray for healing.  It wasn't an immediate healing, but I knew standing by her bed all those months ago, that she would be fine.  What "fine" looked like, I wasn't sure.  And she w.a.l.k.e.d. in to say hello.  When I saw her I was immediately overwhelmed by the presence and power of God.  Not only was this woman a testament of His healing power, but it was a faith building moment for me as well.  In that very instant I fell in love with my Savior all over again.  I experienced the "awe" again.  I asked Him to increase my faith, to strengthen my love for Him.  And He answered my prayer in an AWESOME way.  My faith has been restored.

the power of perception

It's amazing what mere acquaintances or even strangers see about you that you may not even see in yourself.  This keeps happening to me.  Apparently, I need to start viewing myself differently...

Sometimes the view I have about myself is a bit off - behind the times I guess.  God is constantly changing me.  I know this.  But do I really see it?  I know it because it's something I pray about - often.  I want to change.  I desire to be more like God, and this requires transformation.  Oftentimes we don't even recognize the changes He makes in us - we aren't really aware until we have an experience that shows us who we are.

A few months ago I was talking with one of my pastors and he said that the first time he met me he was impressed with not only my passion, but my positive attitude.  I had to literally hold back from laughing out loud.  Anyone who has ever really known me well, could tell you that I used to have the most negative attitude.  My dad always used to get on me about my negativity.  He'd do this thing where he would point to his head and say "it's all up here."  I used to HATE his little saying.  I always felt like I was never going to make the team, or make the grade, or whatever.  But I always did (well.. not always.. but you know what I mean - I never gave myself enough credit..)  I had this negative view of myself.  It did cause me to work hard, but that's not the point....  The point is, I used to have a bad attitude.  God changed that. I had asked him to.  And I hadn't recognized that until one of my pastors, someone that I had only spoken to once or twice, made a comment about how my positive attitude was something that stuck with him.

I had a similar experience just this past week...

I've never really been a confrontational person.  I don't like it when people don't like me.  It bothers me.  I guess you could say I'm a "people-pleaser."  Well... I was a people-pleaser.  I was talking with someone at work the other day and we were trying to figure out who we could contact to tutor a man who was interested in studying to get his GED.  This person told me that he was hoping I would tutor the man and he asked me if I ever considered being a teacher.  (I hadn't.)  It's funny because this is actually the 2nd time in the past 2 months that someone had thought that I was a teacher, or I would be a good teacher.  Anyways, I proceeded to tell him that I didn't think I was really cut out to be a teacher because I was too much of a "people-pleaser."  He didn't see that in me.  God had again changed something else in me that went unnoticed until someone pointed it out.

I guess I'm saying all of this, to say something simple: my perception of myself was off.  This is problematic.  We need to see ourselves as God sees us.  We need to see ourselves as God created us.  When we don't see ourselves as the person we were designed to be, we don't operate from that.  I'm a child of God.  I'm a King-Priest.  I have access to the Kingdom of God.  I have authority to call God's will to earth.  If I don't see myself as these things, I won't operate from them.

See yourself as God created you to be.  And operate from that.

it was the best of times, it was the worst of times

I’m convinced that whoever coined the phrase “it was the best of times; it was the worst of times” was referring to their first year as a Christian.  Overall 2010 was an incredible year for me.  It’s difficult for me to even try to explain my spiritual journey over these past 12 months, but this phrase sums it up pretty well.

It was the best of times.

As a new follower of Christ, I have had many indescribable experiences.  God has changed my heart, my mind, my attitude, and I am so thankful.  I see the world differently.  God has ripped the scales off my eyes.  I remember in 8^th grade when I first got glasses.  I walked outside of Pearl Vision and was amazed by how clearly I could see.  I had never before realized that I was supposed to be able to see individual leaves on trees.  It was like I was seeing things for the first time.  This is how my new life in Christ has been – like I’ve received a new pair glasses.  This is how I experience the awesome power of God.  I look at God’s creation and see Him in everything and in everyone.  My senses are heightened, but to something greater and more powerful than this “reality” on earth.  He is with me and He has given me new eyes to see the world.

It was the worst of times.

For anyone new to following Christ, there is definitely fallout.  First of all, people think you are crazy, you’re “spooky spiritual,” or a “crazy evangelical.” (what I used to call “those” people… before I became one!)  It puts a strain on your relationships.  I think it was most difficult on my family.  My family is religious and I grew up in church – every single Sunday until I went to college.  But I NEVER had a relationship with Christ.  I knew about Him – I just chose not to follow Him.  I would pray every now and then when I was struggling with something, but I never experienced God the way I do now.  I think my family was a bit confused when I came to Christ last year.  They had always assumed that I was Christian – and maybe I was – but I definitely was not living it out.  When I started changing as a result of my new life in Christ, I think it scared them.  They thought I was fine just the way I was.  And to be honest, I was.  I was fine.  I had a good life.  But as my pastor said today, “good is the enemy of best.”  God has so much more for me.  I could have continued living a good life.  But why settle for good?  I want the best.  I want all God has for me.  I want to live the life that God has destined for me. 

Not only is there fallout with relationships, but growing in Christ can be painful.  He shows you a lot about you that you don’t really want to see.  God challenges you daily to become more like Him.  He reveals to you who you are now so you can become who he created you to be.  God completely broke me down over this past year.  You can’t build a house on sand; a strong foundation is needed.  In 2010, God worked with me, stretched me, and challenged me so that I could have a strong foundation in which to build my new life.  He’s delivered me from selfishness, control, jealousy, pride, defensiveness, negativity, anxiety, perfectionism, pleasing people… just to name a few.  He has changed so much and I know there is much more.  It’s not an easy process (and it’s never really complete).  It’s actually quite painful to know that I was once all of those things listed.  But it’s encouraging as well knowing that nothing is impossible with His guidance.

I’ve been freed from a lot and I’ve experienced triumphant victories, but at a cost.  It has cost me my life.  It cost me who I was, but not who I am.  I’m growing into the person God has created me to be.  And it’s totally worth the fallout.