The past month or so has been quite difficult for me in certain areas of my life. My faith has been tried.. and to be honest, I haven't coped very well. I felt defeated spiritually, physically, emotionally, etc etc etc. In my head I knew that I was being stretched and challenged for a purpose, for His purpose. I recognized that I was experiencing trials that were designed to strengthen me.. to strengthen my faith... but it's really hard to remain positive, faithful, hopeful, and joyful during these times (well it is for me anyways..). It's like I know in my head that it's for the best that certain things were happening in my life, but my heart just had not caught up with my mind... yet.
Last Thursday was an amazing day. I woke up feeling the same... defeated and of little faith. The night before I had gone to church and one of my pastors taught on a message that really resonated with me. She was talking about love, faith, hope, and joy. She mentioned that if you have a faith failure it's really a love issue.
That was my issue. I had a love issue. Yes, I love Jesus more than anything and I surrender everything to Him. I live my life to glorify Him. But just like in many love relationships, I had lost the "awe," the majesty. Intimacy without majesty is familiarity. God had become familiar to me. I know God intimately, but I had lost sight of His awesomeness.
Then something amazing happened. Before my work day starts, staff, volunteers, and guests all gather at the Kalamazoo Deacons Conference for devotions. Thursday we were studying Mark 9 and verse 24 really jumped out at me. In this story, a man took his son to Jesus to have him healed, to drive out a demonic spirit. The man said to Jesus, "Lord, I believe, help my unbelief." This is exactly how I was feeling. I believe in Jesus and His ability to do the "impossible," but sometimes there is that nagging doubt whether or not God will really hears me.. whether he is willing to answer my specific prayer. That verse became my prayer for the day: God I believe in you, but increase my faith! I want to fall more deeply in love with you.
My day progressed normally, until that afternoon when someone walked into KDC to visit. This wasn't just any person. This was someone who had been in a terrible car accident this past winter and wasn't supposed to survive, let alone walk again. I had gone to the hospital many months ago to pray for healing. It wasn't an immediate healing, but I knew standing by her bed all those months ago, that she would be fine. What "fine" looked like, I wasn't sure. And she w.a.l.k.e.d. in to say hello. When I saw her I was immediately overwhelmed by the presence and power of God. Not only was this woman a testament of His healing power, but it was a faith building moment for me as well. In that very instant I fell in love with my Savior all over again. I experienced the "awe" again. I asked Him to increase my faith, to strengthen my love for Him. And He answered my prayer in an AWESOME way. My faith has been restored.
